Wish You Were Here

14.06.07

This is my cyber-postcard to you John.

I am in Greece, as you should well know, given that we planned to take this holiday together. In fact, this was one of the last things we talked about and the last leave entry you made in your work diary - just a day before you killed yourself.

So I am with the same people who sat with me through the aftermath of your death - my frinds Sandra and Marija - and with whom I waited until my twin brother was able to come and collect me. It's good to see them - a welcome distraction from my thoughts of you, which, if left unchecked, consume most of my waking hours.

They see a change in me since we last met - how could they not? I am more focused and balanced, as every day I remember that you are no longer here- the shock has receded.

And that is all; we talk about you endlessly, analyse the why and how, cite experts on suicide and self-death and begin to make sense of the fact that all the promises you made and all the plans we had are part of that same past and not a future of anticipation.

So this is, I guess, the first step in redirection. This is the first time since you died that I have slept every consecutive night at normal times, without waking or spending the night reading and thinking. My body is taking back some control at last.

So outwardly, things are better. Inwardly, it is still the same battle to understand and come to terms with your untimely death.

Your choice lovely man, and ours is now to wonder why.

As I said, wish you were here.