26.05.07
Pão duro da solidão
Ē somente que nos dão
O que nos dão a comer
Que importa que o coracão
Diga que sim ou que não
Se continua a viver
Todo o amor que nos prendera
Se quebara e desfizera
Em pavor se convertia
Ninguem fale em primavera
Quem me dera, quem nos dera
Ter morrido nesse dia
This dry bread of solitude
Is the only thing we have to consume
What matters if the heart
Says yes or says no
If it keeps on living
All the love that siezed us
Was broken
Was undone
And became fear
Do not talk of spring
That we, I might wish
To have died that day
Primavera - D Mourao Ferreira / Pedro Rodrigues
Saturday 26 May 2007
Tuesday 22 May 2007
Something or Nothing
22.05.07
My recent cogitations have brought me to this conclusion; that the simple choice you made was between something and nothing.
Pretty ordinary and generic terms really, but they had a great deal of significance for you in the context of your life.
The "something" was an amalgam of history, change, circumstance and a series of errors of judgement that began to undo you instead of the inverse, which is how it should have been.
We can see now that what on the surface appeared to be a life well-lived was one, at least in adulthood, that was marked and defined by the demands of another, riddled with negativity and a sense of never being good enough.
Twenty years of dysfunction and emotional battery which completely wore you down. You were careful to spare others the detail and assimilate this as part of your lot in life, though your forays into the other side of your life - work and external influences taught you that it was not normal: the constant refusals to discuss your point of view, the lies, the inertia, the constant toing and froing to the doctor with a list of mystery ailments which always seemed to be diagnosed in absentia and then never treated with anything more than a handful of pharmaceuticals- no follow-up, no suggested path of treatment- cancelled holidays, curtailed days out and constant moaning and misery about what the world owed.
This ground you down - your own philosophy was expansive and inclusive - the diametric opposite of what your internal environment provided.
The "something" you saw then, was, despite the 17 months of separation and new life, a constant and effectively infinite battle to gain access to your son - obstruction, lies and denials at every turn.
It had become like a soap opera and you were unable to see how A would ever let you live your life. You made that clear to me, reiterating your understanding of her and her modus operandi - once the seed was planted, she grew her own philosophies and stories and touted them to those who would listen - always careful to attribute their provenance to a third party so that she would take no responsibility when it all blew up in her face. Her spite and vitriol was not just reserved for the adults in your life - naturally all women you were close to fell foul of her critical and viperine tongue - but included innocents and minors; nobody escaped her misery and criticism, although extreme bile was reserved for the female of the species. This extended even to pregnancy when she clearly outlined her desperate desire to not have a daughter - citing them as wasteful and evil!! It, apparently, never occurred to you that this may be linked to her own self-loathing; super-morbidly obese and hirsute in a world which prefers the waxed, bronzed and toned variety.
This absolute misogyny continues after your death - nasty letters of denial issued to your female family, issuing edicts of responsibly to them for your demise and refuting the already documented campaign of harassment.
And your "nothing", sweet man, was exactly that.
As an atheist, you believed there was nothing after death. I guess that is the hardest part for me, aside form the gruesome details of your death, the lies you told us in order to be able to carry out your plan and the revolting prospect of out lives without you. The very fact that you didn't take your own life in the belief that you were going to a better place, where you would be free from the hassles and pressures of this world is something that is extremely hard to bear. Especially when you left us here and we had so much still to give you.
Your firm belief was that there was simply blackness, darkness, nothing; an infinite void.
I can't say that I am any wiser despite all the time I dedicate to analysing every aspect of your existence and subsequent demise. My wish is a simple one - I would have you back here in an instant and sod the suffering and complications! - I understand that the pressure you felt must have been so huge that the latter seemed preferable to the former. Your life force was spent.
No energy left to continue this battle which had begun all those years ago when you allowed yourself to be duped into marriage by a fat and lonely woman who saw you as her only hope to escape her own unhappiness and dysfunction. But instead, you became infected by it and colluded with it to such a point that it controlled you and you were unable to ever escape it.
I can't make a judgement either way now, because my own upbringing in the Catholic faith affords me this background of afterlife and eternal happiness. And should I follow the theory through to its natural conclusion, then this suffering we bear, and indeed that you experienced, is all part of the mortal cargo we carry and of which we will be freed in the next life. A very convenient theory - if life is shit, be grateful, because it will be better in the next one and you will be paid in kind. Which is all well and good - but it does lead me to the conclusion that if you are right and there is nothing, then it doesn't matter, because you are lost and gone forever sucked in to the infinite black void, feeling nothing at all.
If the prophets and preachers are right, then you are perched somewhere on your celestial cushion, looking down on us, drink in hand watching perpetual reruns of the Liverpool Cup Finals, oblivious to our pain, because there is none where you are.
I still wish you had chosen to stick with something.
We are left with nothing but emptiness and memories.
My recent cogitations have brought me to this conclusion; that the simple choice you made was between something and nothing.
Pretty ordinary and generic terms really, but they had a great deal of significance for you in the context of your life.
The "something" was an amalgam of history, change, circumstance and a series of errors of judgement that began to undo you instead of the inverse, which is how it should have been.
We can see now that what on the surface appeared to be a life well-lived was one, at least in adulthood, that was marked and defined by the demands of another, riddled with negativity and a sense of never being good enough.
Twenty years of dysfunction and emotional battery which completely wore you down. You were careful to spare others the detail and assimilate this as part of your lot in life, though your forays into the other side of your life - work and external influences taught you that it was not normal: the constant refusals to discuss your point of view, the lies, the inertia, the constant toing and froing to the doctor with a list of mystery ailments which always seemed to be diagnosed in absentia and then never treated with anything more than a handful of pharmaceuticals- no follow-up, no suggested path of treatment- cancelled holidays, curtailed days out and constant moaning and misery about what the world owed.
This ground you down - your own philosophy was expansive and inclusive - the diametric opposite of what your internal environment provided.
The "something" you saw then, was, despite the 17 months of separation and new life, a constant and effectively infinite battle to gain access to your son - obstruction, lies and denials at every turn.
It had become like a soap opera and you were unable to see how A would ever let you live your life. You made that clear to me, reiterating your understanding of her and her modus operandi - once the seed was planted, she grew her own philosophies and stories and touted them to those who would listen - always careful to attribute their provenance to a third party so that she would take no responsibility when it all blew up in her face. Her spite and vitriol was not just reserved for the adults in your life - naturally all women you were close to fell foul of her critical and viperine tongue - but included innocents and minors; nobody escaped her misery and criticism, although extreme bile was reserved for the female of the species. This extended even to pregnancy when she clearly outlined her desperate desire to not have a daughter - citing them as wasteful and evil!! It, apparently, never occurred to you that this may be linked to her own self-loathing; super-morbidly obese and hirsute in a world which prefers the waxed, bronzed and toned variety.
This absolute misogyny continues after your death - nasty letters of denial issued to your female family, issuing edicts of responsibly to them for your demise and refuting the already documented campaign of harassment.
And your "nothing", sweet man, was exactly that.
As an atheist, you believed there was nothing after death. I guess that is the hardest part for me, aside form the gruesome details of your death, the lies you told us in order to be able to carry out your plan and the revolting prospect of out lives without you. The very fact that you didn't take your own life in the belief that you were going to a better place, where you would be free from the hassles and pressures of this world is something that is extremely hard to bear. Especially when you left us here and we had so much still to give you.
Your firm belief was that there was simply blackness, darkness, nothing; an infinite void.
I can't say that I am any wiser despite all the time I dedicate to analysing every aspect of your existence and subsequent demise. My wish is a simple one - I would have you back here in an instant and sod the suffering and complications! - I understand that the pressure you felt must have been so huge that the latter seemed preferable to the former. Your life force was spent.
No energy left to continue this battle which had begun all those years ago when you allowed yourself to be duped into marriage by a fat and lonely woman who saw you as her only hope to escape her own unhappiness and dysfunction. But instead, you became infected by it and colluded with it to such a point that it controlled you and you were unable to ever escape it.
I can't make a judgement either way now, because my own upbringing in the Catholic faith affords me this background of afterlife and eternal happiness. And should I follow the theory through to its natural conclusion, then this suffering we bear, and indeed that you experienced, is all part of the mortal cargo we carry and of which we will be freed in the next life. A very convenient theory - if life is shit, be grateful, because it will be better in the next one and you will be paid in kind. Which is all well and good - but it does lead me to the conclusion that if you are right and there is nothing, then it doesn't matter, because you are lost and gone forever sucked in to the infinite black void, feeling nothing at all.
If the prophets and preachers are right, then you are perched somewhere on your celestial cushion, looking down on us, drink in hand watching perpetual reruns of the Liverpool Cup Finals, oblivious to our pain, because there is none where you are.
I still wish you had chosen to stick with something.
We are left with nothing but emptiness and memories.
Saturday 19 May 2007
From Hankering to Hurt
18.05.07
That is the spectrum on which I reside at the moment - from hankering to hurt and back.
There are days when I wonder how you could have done this to us; how you could have left us behind, with just a simple note of explanation instructing us not to mourn you. Such a sad thing to say - and a ridiculous one. You, of all people, knew how much the loss of someone you loved hurt and how learning to live with the loss was not a simple readjustment, but a painful process of assimilation and grief.
We are at the beginning of a very long road. Some days are unbelievably exhausting - just getting up, getting dressed and continuing on - t seems so bloody pointless to do anything without you here to share it; it feels like cheating or betrayal to laugh and smile without you and thinking about the future, is for the first time, something that brings dread instead of excitement. There are no plans that resonate or dreams to be constructed - just those to deconstruct and pack away.
I am not sure if I will ever really accept that you are not here. Or indeed that you are at peace. I watched a brilliant documentary in which Joan Rivers, the American comedienne, talked about her own husband's suicide 18 years ago - and how she still felt hurt, anger and fury after all this time.
Her acerbic observations really hit the spot for me: "everyone tells me he is at peace - well I hope not, the bastard, because look at the torment he left us in!"
It is no good telling us that you loved us more than life when you ran out on us - and how - what price you paid!
The other point she made, brilliantly, was how everyone feels the need, if they are not in the majority of those who simply ignore you, to tell you how you will see him again in heaven; how we will be eternally reunited. So, therein lies the tacit wishing of death upon you - that's the only chance you'll get to meet again - thanks for the sentiments, well meaning but slightly skewed!
She said that she didn't want to see her husband in heaven again, because if she did, she would fucking kill him for what he did. And that is how I feel about you, John. No matter how much I love you, I think my first reaction if we should ever meet again would be to shake you so hard and scream at you for the longest longest time.
How could you leave us here hankering for you and all that we had? - and with the enormous task of rebuilding our lives without you. And the incredible spiralling pain.
Joan said that even after 18 years she is still furious - that she accepts this as part of the package of feelings you are left with when your partner makes the decision to end his life without consulting you.
And I guess that is true for me too.
That is the spectrum on which I reside at the moment - from hankering to hurt and back.
There are days when I wonder how you could have done this to us; how you could have left us behind, with just a simple note of explanation instructing us not to mourn you. Such a sad thing to say - and a ridiculous one. You, of all people, knew how much the loss of someone you loved hurt and how learning to live with the loss was not a simple readjustment, but a painful process of assimilation and grief.
We are at the beginning of a very long road. Some days are unbelievably exhausting - just getting up, getting dressed and continuing on - t seems so bloody pointless to do anything without you here to share it; it feels like cheating or betrayal to laugh and smile without you and thinking about the future, is for the first time, something that brings dread instead of excitement. There are no plans that resonate or dreams to be constructed - just those to deconstruct and pack away.
I am not sure if I will ever really accept that you are not here. Or indeed that you are at peace. I watched a brilliant documentary in which Joan Rivers, the American comedienne, talked about her own husband's suicide 18 years ago - and how she still felt hurt, anger and fury after all this time.
Her acerbic observations really hit the spot for me: "everyone tells me he is at peace - well I hope not, the bastard, because look at the torment he left us in!"
It is no good telling us that you loved us more than life when you ran out on us - and how - what price you paid!
The other point she made, brilliantly, was how everyone feels the need, if they are not in the majority of those who simply ignore you, to tell you how you will see him again in heaven; how we will be eternally reunited. So, therein lies the tacit wishing of death upon you - that's the only chance you'll get to meet again - thanks for the sentiments, well meaning but slightly skewed!
She said that she didn't want to see her husband in heaven again, because if she did, she would fucking kill him for what he did. And that is how I feel about you, John. No matter how much I love you, I think my first reaction if we should ever meet again would be to shake you so hard and scream at you for the longest longest time.
How could you leave us here hankering for you and all that we had? - and with the enormous task of rebuilding our lives without you. And the incredible spiralling pain.
Joan said that even after 18 years she is still furious - that she accepts this as part of the package of feelings you are left with when your partner makes the decision to end his life without consulting you.
And I guess that is true for me too.
Monday 14 May 2007
Articulation
14.05.07
What is said and left unsaid at a time like this is very poignant.
There is a clear taboo in the way that you died and we are now discovering the magnitude of human insensitivity regarding the self-death of a loved one.
I have been mulling over the various comments made to me during their last few days.
Mostly, there are a few people who stay close to you in this circumstance and do their best to help you through. But it really is like the blind leading the blind - isn't the worst possible scenario to contemplate the death of a loved one? - a partner, a spouse, a sibling, a child - that pretty much covers all eventualities because we are all one of the above. It it the unthinkable and I am sure something we only contemplate momentarily given the awful nature of such a projected occurrence and how just imagining it for an instant can make us feel.
And then it happens to you and you feel the pain, the loss, the absolute shock, the realisation that you have to come to terms with it because in his mercy, God has not been so good and he has left you here alone - and it is the most soul-destroying, life-sapping, heartbreaking situation in which to find yourself. Because you cannot change it - you can only talk about it, cry and cry some more and hope that each day that passes will bring you closer to some kind of normality; when the only normality you want is to bring the one you have lost back.
But, the worst part is knowing that literally something has died in you and you simply cannot retrieve it. It is logical that when you lose this person so close to you, so integral to your own existence, so bound to you that with their passing something in you is culled, trampled and effectively destroyed. So you deal with that loss too.
I think about this a lot, John, and I wonder how you could have contemplated leaving us behind when you knew how painful loss and death was - the death of your mother had a profound effect on you and it is clear that despite stuffing yourself with synthetic emotional inhibitors for a period subsequent to her death, you never managed to overcome losing this woman who meant so much to you in life and the sadness of her loss always lingered with you.
And then I think that knowing how low our losing you makes us feel and how I so wished initially to be with you, even if it meant dying too because I could not imagine my life without you, nor did I want to - that death was probably something you saw in two very different ways. It's this eternal conundrum that I cannot solve! Why, if you knew how much it hurt, could you subject us to the same?
However much we try not to be, we are defined by this loss - people avoid calling you, citing their belief that you are not in a good place to be taking phone calls - in reality it because they have no idea what to say to you and they are scared shitless of the same thing happening to them.
It's a selfish comment as in the aftershock of loss the one thing you pray for and crave is some kind of human contact and reassurance that this temporary madness you feel is surmountable and normal. What is not articulated leaves us deaf - we cannot hear what is not said.
Or there are those that deign to comment on your state of mind - as if you do not know that this temporary insanity you feel is not normal in some way - and what you wouldn't give to revert to the used-to-be, when the person you so loved was here. And how your struggle is simply to sidestep the tears and sadness and not be a bother to those around you - because you see how they suffer with you and how sad your pain makes them feel. Sadness engenders sadness.
The very nature of non-articulation is that it leaves us disjointed and isolated; just like you sweet John. Silent and alone.
In reality, the inarticulate friend is no friend, because we cannot hear you, so it's like you don't exist.
What is said and left unsaid at a time like this is very poignant.
There is a clear taboo in the way that you died and we are now discovering the magnitude of human insensitivity regarding the self-death of a loved one.
I have been mulling over the various comments made to me during their last few days.
Mostly, there are a few people who stay close to you in this circumstance and do their best to help you through. But it really is like the blind leading the blind - isn't the worst possible scenario to contemplate the death of a loved one? - a partner, a spouse, a sibling, a child - that pretty much covers all eventualities because we are all one of the above. It it the unthinkable and I am sure something we only contemplate momentarily given the awful nature of such a projected occurrence and how just imagining it for an instant can make us feel.
And then it happens to you and you feel the pain, the loss, the absolute shock, the realisation that you have to come to terms with it because in his mercy, God has not been so good and he has left you here alone - and it is the most soul-destroying, life-sapping, heartbreaking situation in which to find yourself. Because you cannot change it - you can only talk about it, cry and cry some more and hope that each day that passes will bring you closer to some kind of normality; when the only normality you want is to bring the one you have lost back.
But, the worst part is knowing that literally something has died in you and you simply cannot retrieve it. It is logical that when you lose this person so close to you, so integral to your own existence, so bound to you that with their passing something in you is culled, trampled and effectively destroyed. So you deal with that loss too.
I think about this a lot, John, and I wonder how you could have contemplated leaving us behind when you knew how painful loss and death was - the death of your mother had a profound effect on you and it is clear that despite stuffing yourself with synthetic emotional inhibitors for a period subsequent to her death, you never managed to overcome losing this woman who meant so much to you in life and the sadness of her loss always lingered with you.
And then I think that knowing how low our losing you makes us feel and how I so wished initially to be with you, even if it meant dying too because I could not imagine my life without you, nor did I want to - that death was probably something you saw in two very different ways. It's this eternal conundrum that I cannot solve! Why, if you knew how much it hurt, could you subject us to the same?
However much we try not to be, we are defined by this loss - people avoid calling you, citing their belief that you are not in a good place to be taking phone calls - in reality it because they have no idea what to say to you and they are scared shitless of the same thing happening to them.
It's a selfish comment as in the aftershock of loss the one thing you pray for and crave is some kind of human contact and reassurance that this temporary madness you feel is surmountable and normal. What is not articulated leaves us deaf - we cannot hear what is not said.
Or there are those that deign to comment on your state of mind - as if you do not know that this temporary insanity you feel is not normal in some way - and what you wouldn't give to revert to the used-to-be, when the person you so loved was here. And how your struggle is simply to sidestep the tears and sadness and not be a bother to those around you - because you see how they suffer with you and how sad your pain makes them feel. Sadness engenders sadness.
The very nature of non-articulation is that it leaves us disjointed and isolated; just like you sweet John. Silent and alone.
In reality, the inarticulate friend is no friend, because we cannot hear you, so it's like you don't exist.
Friday 11 May 2007
Impact
11.05.07
The impact of your death and passing is something that you could never have imagined, John.
In the last words you left us, in your best handwriting, you told us how you felt that you had ruined everything; messed it all up.
And how wrong you were.
With every day that passes, the impact of your death grows.
I know that I will miss you until I myself pass, until I die, until my last breath is drawn.
And I can feel sad for myself - because there is so much to miss. On a selfish level, all the obvious things:-the physical and emotional connection, the fun, the endless conversations with you that punctuated my day, and every one of those days that we spent together; and every one of those dreams that we projected for our future.
But I am not the only one. This song of sorrow is not singular.
There are countless others to whom this grief is occasioned and for whom your death is virtually insurmountable.
I cannot quite comprehend how you thought we would not mourn your passing, nor how you believed that this world would be a better place without you. I can assure you that is not the case.
We miss you so terribly. Every conversation finds its way back to you somehow - for all that we try, you are still here in every exchange and every empty moment of the day.
I hope that you hear us when we invoke you and hope that you can understand that for us, being without you is a huge and often futile effort.
The impact of your death and passing is something that you could never have imagined, John.
In the last words you left us, in your best handwriting, you told us how you felt that you had ruined everything; messed it all up.
And how wrong you were.
With every day that passes, the impact of your death grows.
I know that I will miss you until I myself pass, until I die, until my last breath is drawn.
And I can feel sad for myself - because there is so much to miss. On a selfish level, all the obvious things:-the physical and emotional connection, the fun, the endless conversations with you that punctuated my day, and every one of those days that we spent together; and every one of those dreams that we projected for our future.
But I am not the only one. This song of sorrow is not singular.
There are countless others to whom this grief is occasioned and for whom your death is virtually insurmountable.
I cannot quite comprehend how you thought we would not mourn your passing, nor how you believed that this world would be a better place without you. I can assure you that is not the case.
We miss you so terribly. Every conversation finds its way back to you somehow - for all that we try, you are still here in every exchange and every empty moment of the day.
I hope that you hear us when we invoke you and hope that you can understand that for us, being without you is a huge and often futile effort.
Wednesday 9 May 2007
Truth and Lies
09.05.07
I counted today and it is just over 10 weeks sine you died. I had to think and count it because otherwise I really couldn't say - my sense of time and timing is shot to pieces. I have to check that date and how far we are from that terrible day.
It is exactly three months since I last saw you in person, and little did I know then that I would never share another moment with you, that indeed it was our last together. It saddens me to think that. As does thinking about you in general.
Apparently, we will reach a stage when we can think about you without feeling so sad. Well, we are not there yet.
I was thinking last night about all the things people say and do in a situation like this, when the person you love dies, and I started to make mental lists of what is true and what is not: the truth and lies of love, life and death if you like.
1. Time is a great healer - this is clearly a lie. Three months on and it still hurts just the same as it did when we discovered the revolting truth - all time does is put more distance between you and the fateful day.
2. A friend in need is a friend indeed. This is an interesting one. You can divide those you know into the pragmatists, who come and help and pull you through, and those who are so self absorbed that they begin to tell you how much this is hurting them too. Now, far be it from me to cast doubts on the validity of the feelings of another, but all I can say is what I wouldn't give to be able to not feel like this - to be able to say that you were still here with us.
3. Suicide infects those you leave behind - in every way, sweet man.
We think about you every day - your life, tour death, your suffering and how you chose to end it all rather than stick it out. You gave up. Your time was up, your energy drained. That is what a lifetime of negativity does for you. The laws of physics tell us that when a negative and a positive force combine, the negative will usurp the positive, taking its energy with it and leaving it in greater deficit.
It is remarkable how some people cannot even mention suicide; how you died, and more so how some people choose not to speak to you at all, rather than ask how you are; so the choice to ostracise is made above a simple greeting of "how are you?" Incredible, but true.
4. Life after death gets easier. It doesn't. Or maybe I should say it hasn't so far. There are days when I wake up and feel as wretched as I did the day after you died. As though somebody has tipped me upside down and emptied me out completely.
5. Love will conquer all. It won't and it didn't for you. We loved you almost beyond measure John, yet for some reason, that wasn't enough.
Love helps, but it doesn't vanquish all foes, particularly the emotional demons.
6. A problem shared is a problem halved - not true in your case; for all your attempts to discuss your worries, both at work and with the person who purported to love you above all else, it didn't seem to make a jot of difference - in reality, most people think of their own selfish needs first; the pending deadline, the bill to be paid, the comfortable lifestyle afforded by another, and they make their judgement in that way. When you shared your problem, somehow it seemed to double in size instead of reduce by half. So that adage is unfounded and facile.
7. The end of life is death. Well that is a fairly obvious one, a truism. But it's fair to say that it extends to all of us that loved you. Something has died for us and now we have to continue with life. That is the difficult one.
I counted today and it is just over 10 weeks sine you died. I had to think and count it because otherwise I really couldn't say - my sense of time and timing is shot to pieces. I have to check that date and how far we are from that terrible day.
It is exactly three months since I last saw you in person, and little did I know then that I would never share another moment with you, that indeed it was our last together. It saddens me to think that. As does thinking about you in general.
Apparently, we will reach a stage when we can think about you without feeling so sad. Well, we are not there yet.
I was thinking last night about all the things people say and do in a situation like this, when the person you love dies, and I started to make mental lists of what is true and what is not: the truth and lies of love, life and death if you like.
1. Time is a great healer - this is clearly a lie. Three months on and it still hurts just the same as it did when we discovered the revolting truth - all time does is put more distance between you and the fateful day.
2. A friend in need is a friend indeed. This is an interesting one. You can divide those you know into the pragmatists, who come and help and pull you through, and those who are so self absorbed that they begin to tell you how much this is hurting them too. Now, far be it from me to cast doubts on the validity of the feelings of another, but all I can say is what I wouldn't give to be able to not feel like this - to be able to say that you were still here with us.
3. Suicide infects those you leave behind - in every way, sweet man.
We think about you every day - your life, tour death, your suffering and how you chose to end it all rather than stick it out. You gave up. Your time was up, your energy drained. That is what a lifetime of negativity does for you. The laws of physics tell us that when a negative and a positive force combine, the negative will usurp the positive, taking its energy with it and leaving it in greater deficit.
It is remarkable how some people cannot even mention suicide; how you died, and more so how some people choose not to speak to you at all, rather than ask how you are; so the choice to ostracise is made above a simple greeting of "how are you?" Incredible, but true.
4. Life after death gets easier. It doesn't. Or maybe I should say it hasn't so far. There are days when I wake up and feel as wretched as I did the day after you died. As though somebody has tipped me upside down and emptied me out completely.
5. Love will conquer all. It won't and it didn't for you. We loved you almost beyond measure John, yet for some reason, that wasn't enough.
Love helps, but it doesn't vanquish all foes, particularly the emotional demons.
6. A problem shared is a problem halved - not true in your case; for all your attempts to discuss your worries, both at work and with the person who purported to love you above all else, it didn't seem to make a jot of difference - in reality, most people think of their own selfish needs first; the pending deadline, the bill to be paid, the comfortable lifestyle afforded by another, and they make their judgement in that way. When you shared your problem, somehow it seemed to double in size instead of reduce by half. So that adage is unfounded and facile.
7. The end of life is death. Well that is a fairly obvious one, a truism. But it's fair to say that it extends to all of us that loved you. Something has died for us and now we have to continue with life. That is the difficult one.
Monday 7 May 2007
Choice and Consequence
07.05.07
Choices are what define us - or rather how we make them and what we do with the consequences of our choices.
You made one bad choice John, and from that created this chain of decisions that became harder and harder to justify to yourself - in the end, instead of being able to make rational informed decisions, you were just flailing in a sea of self-doubt and confusion - so your final choice was misinformed in every way.
We often talked about your decision to marry the person you did. I could not understand after having left home and spent four years at college, how you wold return to this person who had effectively stood still in the meantime, done nothing with her life apart from continue in the same old drudge, waiting for somebody to rescue her from herself and when that failed, she formulated a plan to get you back.
During our discussions, you came to the same conclusion many times - that you were very flattered by the declarations of love and longing - which I found odd to say the least, as in the time we had been best friends at college, you had always been popular with the ladies and had plenty of admirers. Nor, in all that time do I ever remember her calling or visiting you, despite the fact that you were apparently the person she could not live without. The pattern of inertia started here. A's real tour de force was her ability to blackmail emotionally - to create a sense of guilt and owing rather than a positive sense of energy and giving.
When you expanded on your theory, it became clear that to some extent you had been duped - you were, as you pointed out to me, dealing with unfinished business after having been caught in fraganti by your prospective in-laws in an embrace with your then-girlfriend during the first round of your courtship.
The fallout was unbelievable, and when you recounted it to me, I was aghast to say the least that you even considered continuing any contact with these people. It was made clear to you, that in your youthful fumblings, you had sullied your girlfriend, defiled her and thus rendered her unfit for pairing with another. In other words, you were held to account by your father-in-law-to-be regarding the supposed damaging of his daughter. I always remember that you found this shocking and amusing in equal measure as A had always been reluctant to have any physical contact with you - majorly catholic apparently - but on that particular day, she insisted that you return to the family house and join her as her parents were absent for the day. Shortly after you engaged in what you described as heavy petting (always makes me laugh that one), initiated by her with some ardour. A short time later, her parents walked in "unexpectedly". I wonder John. I wonder!
I could not believe that after being caught in fumbling and fully clothed embrace with your girlfriend that you could bow to such ridiculous pressure and more importantly, that your adult girlfriend would even tolerate this from her father - the diatribe was laden with imagery of the virgin / Madonna / whore details and peppered with references to the abstinence of your in-laws before marriage: too much information!
And so, instead of dealing with this, it was left in the air, only to be resumed as a matter pending when you were due to return to Liverpool after finishing your college degree.
What I found strange is that your by now ex-girlfriend re-initiated contact with you about 6 months before you were due to return home, after effectively three years of silence.
The choice you made to leave Liverpool was fuelled by many factors, one of them being that you had asked A to make yours a proper courtship, that you were not prepared to skulk around or hide in her car when out on dates - her parents, although they held you accountable, disapproved of your friendship and supposedly banned her from seeing you. After consideration, I imagine this in part, to be a lie, as they approved wholeheartedly of your marriage several years later, and I am inclined to believe that people don't really change, conversely, they revert to type when under pressure.
Which is what she did; your life together was infected with the invented conflicts that A brought to the home - work colleagues, neighbours, extended family; her raison d'etre was to engage in conflict with others and then put you to the test by demanding that you resolve it as she was too shy, too weak, too worried to deal with it herself - and let's not forget, your role was to look after her in every sense of the word, regardless of your needs or wishes. When pushed, she used her physical appearance as the basis of her theory that others were bullying her. In reality, what you both failed to see, is that she wasn't that important to anyone else but herself to feature as the focus of another's emotional outpouring. Her vindication came from issuing the edicts and getting you to follow them.
The rapprochement was initiated with declarations of love and want: you were the "thing that she most wanted in the world". Our interpretations of that were different - after three years of no success in sourcing another she turned her attentions to you, as she indicated to you thereafter, you had a pending debt to be resolved and you owed her. You, in your naivety believed this to be a declaration of true love and bought in to it.
Interestingly, her all-consuming love for you was not so great that she didn't find time to apportion her 10 stone weight gain during the interim years to you - caused apparently by her missing you so much that she turned to eating. I always wondered why, if this was true, how she didn't lose the weight once you had returned to her loving, if somewhat chubby, arms...and how when 200 miles away, you were able to force feed her.
Predictable discussions and subsequent decisions ensued for you - you didn't introduce her to your family until you were engaged, at her request - she wanted to have the deal sealed before she met your folks - it isn't hard to guess why! She pursued you with vigour, witnessed by work colleagues who remember it well and recall the lengths she would go to to get you - declaring her need of you at every turn, withholding any further favours until you promised to marry. You always found it amazing that I knew she didn't put out until you had announced the engagement to the family and there was, effectively, no going back. I always told you that I knew this because her behaviour was entirely predictable of somebody of her ilk: an underachieving emotional manipulator.
The home making and building was left to you, while she spent her savings on a new car and continued to live with her moral guardians and emotional suppressors- your job to provide for the new wife John, even though you had been a student for nearly four years! Unbelievable.
What I never understood is that you didn't really have an inkling then of just how seriously nuts she was, nor that you ever picked up the copious lies and stories she fed you.
It is strange then to understand that you were susceptible to such flattery and deception, as you were always, sweet John, a lucid and intelligent man with the ability to cut through the bullshit. But not when it came to A. Still, in part, you were aware throughout your marriage, that things were not right, as we now know that you went to great lengths to cover aspects of it, which you intuitively knew would shock or appear strange, to say the least.
You told me shortly before you died, that you realised what you mistook for love was actually a sense of duty coupled with high doses of flattery. When I asked you how you knew this, your answer was simple; that you had since leaving your marriage discovered love and come to understand that what you had before was entirely different.
Too bad you couldn't have made an entirely different choice and saved yourself so much pain and suffering.
You might still be here.
Choices are what define us - or rather how we make them and what we do with the consequences of our choices.
You made one bad choice John, and from that created this chain of decisions that became harder and harder to justify to yourself - in the end, instead of being able to make rational informed decisions, you were just flailing in a sea of self-doubt and confusion - so your final choice was misinformed in every way.
We often talked about your decision to marry the person you did. I could not understand after having left home and spent four years at college, how you wold return to this person who had effectively stood still in the meantime, done nothing with her life apart from continue in the same old drudge, waiting for somebody to rescue her from herself and when that failed, she formulated a plan to get you back.
During our discussions, you came to the same conclusion many times - that you were very flattered by the declarations of love and longing - which I found odd to say the least, as in the time we had been best friends at college, you had always been popular with the ladies and had plenty of admirers. Nor, in all that time do I ever remember her calling or visiting you, despite the fact that you were apparently the person she could not live without. The pattern of inertia started here. A's real tour de force was her ability to blackmail emotionally - to create a sense of guilt and owing rather than a positive sense of energy and giving.
When you expanded on your theory, it became clear that to some extent you had been duped - you were, as you pointed out to me, dealing with unfinished business after having been caught in fraganti by your prospective in-laws in an embrace with your then-girlfriend during the first round of your courtship.
The fallout was unbelievable, and when you recounted it to me, I was aghast to say the least that you even considered continuing any contact with these people. It was made clear to you, that in your youthful fumblings, you had sullied your girlfriend, defiled her and thus rendered her unfit for pairing with another. In other words, you were held to account by your father-in-law-to-be regarding the supposed damaging of his daughter. I always remember that you found this shocking and amusing in equal measure as A had always been reluctant to have any physical contact with you - majorly catholic apparently - but on that particular day, she insisted that you return to the family house and join her as her parents were absent for the day. Shortly after you engaged in what you described as heavy petting (always makes me laugh that one), initiated by her with some ardour. A short time later, her parents walked in "unexpectedly". I wonder John. I wonder!
I could not believe that after being caught in fumbling and fully clothed embrace with your girlfriend that you could bow to such ridiculous pressure and more importantly, that your adult girlfriend would even tolerate this from her father - the diatribe was laden with imagery of the virgin / Madonna / whore details and peppered with references to the abstinence of your in-laws before marriage: too much information!
And so, instead of dealing with this, it was left in the air, only to be resumed as a matter pending when you were due to return to Liverpool after finishing your college degree.
What I found strange is that your by now ex-girlfriend re-initiated contact with you about 6 months before you were due to return home, after effectively three years of silence.
The choice you made to leave Liverpool was fuelled by many factors, one of them being that you had asked A to make yours a proper courtship, that you were not prepared to skulk around or hide in her car when out on dates - her parents, although they held you accountable, disapproved of your friendship and supposedly banned her from seeing you. After consideration, I imagine this in part, to be a lie, as they approved wholeheartedly of your marriage several years later, and I am inclined to believe that people don't really change, conversely, they revert to type when under pressure.
Which is what she did; your life together was infected with the invented conflicts that A brought to the home - work colleagues, neighbours, extended family; her raison d'etre was to engage in conflict with others and then put you to the test by demanding that you resolve it as she was too shy, too weak, too worried to deal with it herself - and let's not forget, your role was to look after her in every sense of the word, regardless of your needs or wishes. When pushed, she used her physical appearance as the basis of her theory that others were bullying her. In reality, what you both failed to see, is that she wasn't that important to anyone else but herself to feature as the focus of another's emotional outpouring. Her vindication came from issuing the edicts and getting you to follow them.
The rapprochement was initiated with declarations of love and want: you were the "thing that she most wanted in the world". Our interpretations of that were different - after three years of no success in sourcing another she turned her attentions to you, as she indicated to you thereafter, you had a pending debt to be resolved and you owed her. You, in your naivety believed this to be a declaration of true love and bought in to it.
Interestingly, her all-consuming love for you was not so great that she didn't find time to apportion her 10 stone weight gain during the interim years to you - caused apparently by her missing you so much that she turned to eating. I always wondered why, if this was true, how she didn't lose the weight once you had returned to her loving, if somewhat chubby, arms...and how when 200 miles away, you were able to force feed her.
Predictable discussions and subsequent decisions ensued for you - you didn't introduce her to your family until you were engaged, at her request - she wanted to have the deal sealed before she met your folks - it isn't hard to guess why! She pursued you with vigour, witnessed by work colleagues who remember it well and recall the lengths she would go to to get you - declaring her need of you at every turn, withholding any further favours until you promised to marry. You always found it amazing that I knew she didn't put out until you had announced the engagement to the family and there was, effectively, no going back. I always told you that I knew this because her behaviour was entirely predictable of somebody of her ilk: an underachieving emotional manipulator.
The home making and building was left to you, while she spent her savings on a new car and continued to live with her moral guardians and emotional suppressors- your job to provide for the new wife John, even though you had been a student for nearly four years! Unbelievable.
What I never understood is that you didn't really have an inkling then of just how seriously nuts she was, nor that you ever picked up the copious lies and stories she fed you.
It is strange then to understand that you were susceptible to such flattery and deception, as you were always, sweet John, a lucid and intelligent man with the ability to cut through the bullshit. But not when it came to A. Still, in part, you were aware throughout your marriage, that things were not right, as we now know that you went to great lengths to cover aspects of it, which you intuitively knew would shock or appear strange, to say the least.
You told me shortly before you died, that you realised what you mistook for love was actually a sense of duty coupled with high doses of flattery. When I asked you how you knew this, your answer was simple; that you had since leaving your marriage discovered love and come to understand that what you had before was entirely different.
Too bad you couldn't have made an entirely different choice and saved yourself so much pain and suffering.
You might still be here.
Friday 4 May 2007
Adjustment or maladjustment
04.05.07
Depending on how you look at it, that is what we are all dealing with.
A theme in your life, without question - it is like the twins who feed off each other, some find an equilibrium whilst others get bigger to the detriment of the second one.
I am the lucky twin, literally - my brother and I were born 5 minutes apart and survived intact to support each other through life and love. We adjusted to each other.
Your whole life was actually defined by adjustment. From the moment you decided to tie your life to another, you began to adjust - continually ceding ground and adapting yourself to this person who made so many demands on you and was always willing to justify them in terms of her needs and herself.
From the outset, your needs became a secondary element in your life. You made sacrifices on every level to accommodate this person whose view on life could have been plucked from a 1950s manual on how to pin down your man: "instruct him that he is responsible for you, his role is to care for you and provide on every level, particularly material. Show weakness through feminine guile and trickery - every man loves a weak and ailing female to rescue. Make demands and create conflict with outsiders wherever possible to strengthen the bond between you - he will respond to your helplessness like a knight in shining armour. And if in doubt, resort to good old fashioned blackmail with the promise of a thrilling night of seduction if he fails to do as you wish."
In fact, John, your choice of a maladjusted person meant that you spent your entire existence on overcompensating - acting as breadwinner, confidante, counsellor, chauffeur, carer and project manager. The small amount of time you dedicated to yourself was a constant source of tension and you began to feel, particularly during the time since P was born, that your choice of partner had been erroneous; a spouse so obsessed with her own parents and siblings that she neglected her own son.
Despite her claims to the contrary, you spent an inordinate amount of time with P while she stayed in bed, sat in front of the TV or alternatively dragged P round to visit his "true family". Such was her negative take on life that you nicknamed her the "fun police" - P's aim on a Saturday morning was to escape the fun police before they vetoed the many activities you had planned for the day as too dangerous, too risky, too cold, too windy or too much fun.
In reality John, it is a very sad and simple story: you married into maladjustment and through years of conditioning it began to define you to the very point that it destroyed all your perspectives.
You over adjusted.
Depending on how you look at it, that is what we are all dealing with.
A theme in your life, without question - it is like the twins who feed off each other, some find an equilibrium whilst others get bigger to the detriment of the second one.
I am the lucky twin, literally - my brother and I were born 5 minutes apart and survived intact to support each other through life and love. We adjusted to each other.
Your whole life was actually defined by adjustment. From the moment you decided to tie your life to another, you began to adjust - continually ceding ground and adapting yourself to this person who made so many demands on you and was always willing to justify them in terms of her needs and herself.
From the outset, your needs became a secondary element in your life. You made sacrifices on every level to accommodate this person whose view on life could have been plucked from a 1950s manual on how to pin down your man: "instruct him that he is responsible for you, his role is to care for you and provide on every level, particularly material. Show weakness through feminine guile and trickery - every man loves a weak and ailing female to rescue. Make demands and create conflict with outsiders wherever possible to strengthen the bond between you - he will respond to your helplessness like a knight in shining armour. And if in doubt, resort to good old fashioned blackmail with the promise of a thrilling night of seduction if he fails to do as you wish."
In fact, John, your choice of a maladjusted person meant that you spent your entire existence on overcompensating - acting as breadwinner, confidante, counsellor, chauffeur, carer and project manager. The small amount of time you dedicated to yourself was a constant source of tension and you began to feel, particularly during the time since P was born, that your choice of partner had been erroneous; a spouse so obsessed with her own parents and siblings that she neglected her own son.
Despite her claims to the contrary, you spent an inordinate amount of time with P while she stayed in bed, sat in front of the TV or alternatively dragged P round to visit his "true family". Such was her negative take on life that you nicknamed her the "fun police" - P's aim on a Saturday morning was to escape the fun police before they vetoed the many activities you had planned for the day as too dangerous, too risky, too cold, too windy or too much fun.
In reality John, it is a very sad and simple story: you married into maladjustment and through years of conditioning it began to define you to the very point that it destroyed all your perspectives.
You over adjusted.
Tuesday 1 May 2007
Future in the Past
02.05.05
In many ways, as you stated, your marriage was not about you, but about your estranged wife and her family. And this troubled you for a long time.
You once said to me that your ex-wife had promised, that (sic) once her mother died, things would be different. The implication was that you, as a family, and indeed a couple, would move away from this ridiculous dependence and interdependence ,and that somehow, you would lead the life of an independent couple with a child. This all came too late for you, as after 17 years, you decided that enough was enough.
You could never quite work out how she needed to spend at least two hours a day on the phone to her mother and sister, when you felt this should have been time together as a family. In fact, when you broached this, you were always held to account regarding the three hours a week you spent in the gym after work. Strange indeed as your wife's desire for you to be in the marital home only ever coincided with times when she was supposedly undertaking the duties as she saw as her domain - home-making; although that didn't extend to the full gamut - rather a more condensed version; microwaving food in the morning and the evening and choosing to stay at home when any degree of exercise or effort was involved. Your role was to work, care for P and run every aspect of the home in addition to your other obligations.
When you questioned this, your spouse always called into question the needs of her own clan, citing them as "true family".
And here is the gem on her soapy operatic theory - aka her inability, at the tender age of 43, to leave behind the family ( according to the psychologists)
Individuate
The fear of taking emotional and physical responsibility for ourselves can become so overwhelming that we cannot allow ourselves to let go of our family's influence, for good or bad, whatever our age. This is particularly true if we haven't been shown how to care for ourselves emotionally, because no-one has cared for us unconditionally.
That was your real beef, John. That even though she espoused family and all its glories, she was unable to take any real responsibility for herself and her actions. You felt worn and wearied by this and often told me that you believed that you had two children to care for not one.
The theory bears that out. And when you chose to leave, the kicking and screaming hit record levels.
You knew, and mentioned frequently, that A's future was in her past, as she expended the little energy she chose to waste on assuring you that any flaws she had were attributable to her own upbringing and that once her parents had passed on things would be different.
Shocking that a middle-aged woman could justify her behaviour in this way, and shocking that you fell for it for such a long time.
In many ways, as you stated, your marriage was not about you, but about your estranged wife and her family. And this troubled you for a long time.
You once said to me that your ex-wife had promised, that (sic) once her mother died, things would be different. The implication was that you, as a family, and indeed a couple, would move away from this ridiculous dependence and interdependence ,and that somehow, you would lead the life of an independent couple with a child. This all came too late for you, as after 17 years, you decided that enough was enough.
You could never quite work out how she needed to spend at least two hours a day on the phone to her mother and sister, when you felt this should have been time together as a family. In fact, when you broached this, you were always held to account regarding the three hours a week you spent in the gym after work. Strange indeed as your wife's desire for you to be in the marital home only ever coincided with times when she was supposedly undertaking the duties as she saw as her domain - home-making; although that didn't extend to the full gamut - rather a more condensed version; microwaving food in the morning and the evening and choosing to stay at home when any degree of exercise or effort was involved. Your role was to work, care for P and run every aspect of the home in addition to your other obligations.
When you questioned this, your spouse always called into question the needs of her own clan, citing them as "true family".
And here is the gem on her soapy operatic theory - aka her inability, at the tender age of 43, to leave behind the family ( according to the psychologists)
Individuate
The fear of taking emotional and physical responsibility for ourselves can become so overwhelming that we cannot allow ourselves to let go of our family's influence, for good or bad, whatever our age. This is particularly true if we haven't been shown how to care for ourselves emotionally, because no-one has cared for us unconditionally.
That was your real beef, John. That even though she espoused family and all its glories, she was unable to take any real responsibility for herself and her actions. You felt worn and wearied by this and often told me that you believed that you had two children to care for not one.
The theory bears that out. And when you chose to leave, the kicking and screaming hit record levels.
You knew, and mentioned frequently, that A's future was in her past, as she expended the little energy she chose to waste on assuring you that any flaws she had were attributable to her own upbringing and that once her parents had passed on things would be different.
Shocking that a middle-aged woman could justify her behaviour in this way, and shocking that you fell for it for such a long time.
Prophesy
01.05.07
Reading back through the countless emails we exchanged, I found the following message I sent to you this time last year, when your delightful ex-wife had really started to crank up the blackmailing strategy to full blast:
" Our recent communications have also contributed to my current state of emotional lethargy. I certainly don't feel as though I am helping you in any way at the moment and some of your reactions would support that I think - please correct me if my assertion is wrong. I call you because I care about you and of course worry about you John - doubtless because I love you.
However, the last few conversations have left me wondering if it is at all beneficial to do so - you seem quite distant at times and certainly preoccupied with other things; understandable! I know that particularly this week, I have leaned very heavily on you as I have been pretty upset about my own situation and I imagine that there are times when you don't know how to broach things as I have been fairly strung out. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I feel somehow that this is bringing you down - and clearly you have enough to deal with at your end.
I have almost given up trying to counsel you about your own situation as I find myself repeating the same thing over and over again - almost to no avail. I understand that things are difficult, but in all honesty, unless you do something about your access to your son, you will send yourself into an early grave.
Your own feelings of sadness and depression are directly connected to this. It is also pretty evident that A will never move to change things whilst she believes there is a chance of coercing you into returning - she demonstrates this through her constant story-building; every time you see P some drama unfolds and you are at the centre of it - she chalks up another blame point and constructs her case even further. Your inertia and failure to deal with the situation are in fact exacerbating it and much more importantly having a negative effect on your son. You have clearly outlined that your relationship with A was characterised by your ability to get things done and her ability to procrastinate; what makes you think she will change now????????????
You have the power to influence your son positively and connect with him on a really positive level. It is obvious that he is subject to A's emotional priming at home - think about the soundbites he unleashes when he sees you - and that is not a good environment for a child. Very simply put, unless you deal with the access issue, you are directly contributing to your son's unhappiness and lack of stability right now.
Whatever A may profess, she certainly doesn't practice it as she is happy to indulge in the kind of dramas she has protagonised before - think Chester, think phone calls, think phantom illness, think mindless dashes to Alder Hey with suspected meningitis only to hurl abuse at you as you arrived. Aided and abetted by her revolting specimen of a sister, M, who delighted in calling you an adulterer outside a busy hospital, in which your son was supposedly dying and in fact was playing on a climbing frame, oblivious to the emotional drama his mother had prepared. She thinks nothing of dragging your son into it, John - these do not appear to be that actions of a rational human being, and what is worse is that her own family, instead of offering the voice of reason and temperance, show no dignity and collude with her. Does her sister not have two young children under two to care for?
It really does beggar belief, not to mention the damage it does to a seven-year old boy to be dragged to the hospital every couple of months with suspected meningitis. One word: Munchhausen's!
You may feel I am being very hard on you John, but I am above all things your friend and I love you enough to tell you this. If you want to start feeling better about yourself, do something. I know I am not the only one who has proffered this opinion, so we cannot all be wrong.
In terms of how we proceed, that is really up to you. I am in a very difficult place right now, as you know and have been feeling quite lonely. That is unsurprising as these situations can only be resolved by the individual, it's just a hard slog, as I am sure you will agree. You know that I miss you very much and would like to see much more of you - but the ridiculous uncertainty that hangs over you regarding access to P means that it is even impossible to hop on a train and meet you just for one evening! I don't want to call you if you feel you don't really want to talk to me; I don't want to stalk or harass you and I certainly don't want to send copious texts that remain unanswered.
We need to maintain some balance if this friendship is to survive and grow. But you also have to learn to put yourself first, and to stop worrying about every eventual outcome. Despite her protestations, your estranged wife is still the size of a house, works on a minimal basis and has an income in excess of most households where both partners work. It is ridiculous of you to believe, and of her to say that you have abandoned your family when you are still paying the mortgage, all the bills as well as the household expenses AND paying CSA dues - Jesus Johnny, she is better off than most!!
Think on - start thinking of yourself for once.
OK, that is the end of my diatribe. I hope you understand that these words come from a good place and because I love you, care about you and hope that you will be in my life for a very long time, John."
Reading back through the countless emails we exchanged, I found the following message I sent to you this time last year, when your delightful ex-wife had really started to crank up the blackmailing strategy to full blast:
" Our recent communications have also contributed to my current state of emotional lethargy. I certainly don't feel as though I am helping you in any way at the moment and some of your reactions would support that I think - please correct me if my assertion is wrong. I call you because I care about you and of course worry about you John - doubtless because I love you.
However, the last few conversations have left me wondering if it is at all beneficial to do so - you seem quite distant at times and certainly preoccupied with other things; understandable! I know that particularly this week, I have leaned very heavily on you as I have been pretty upset about my own situation and I imagine that there are times when you don't know how to broach things as I have been fairly strung out. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I feel somehow that this is bringing you down - and clearly you have enough to deal with at your end.
I have almost given up trying to counsel you about your own situation as I find myself repeating the same thing over and over again - almost to no avail. I understand that things are difficult, but in all honesty, unless you do something about your access to your son, you will send yourself into an early grave.
Your own feelings of sadness and depression are directly connected to this. It is also pretty evident that A will never move to change things whilst she believes there is a chance of coercing you into returning - she demonstrates this through her constant story-building; every time you see P some drama unfolds and you are at the centre of it - she chalks up another blame point and constructs her case even further. Your inertia and failure to deal with the situation are in fact exacerbating it and much more importantly having a negative effect on your son. You have clearly outlined that your relationship with A was characterised by your ability to get things done and her ability to procrastinate; what makes you think she will change now????????????
You have the power to influence your son positively and connect with him on a really positive level. It is obvious that he is subject to A's emotional priming at home - think about the soundbites he unleashes when he sees you - and that is not a good environment for a child. Very simply put, unless you deal with the access issue, you are directly contributing to your son's unhappiness and lack of stability right now.
Whatever A may profess, she certainly doesn't practice it as she is happy to indulge in the kind of dramas she has protagonised before - think Chester, think phone calls, think phantom illness, think mindless dashes to Alder Hey with suspected meningitis only to hurl abuse at you as you arrived. Aided and abetted by her revolting specimen of a sister, M, who delighted in calling you an adulterer outside a busy hospital, in which your son was supposedly dying and in fact was playing on a climbing frame, oblivious to the emotional drama his mother had prepared. She thinks nothing of dragging your son into it, John - these do not appear to be that actions of a rational human being, and what is worse is that her own family, instead of offering the voice of reason and temperance, show no dignity and collude with her. Does her sister not have two young children under two to care for?
It really does beggar belief, not to mention the damage it does to a seven-year old boy to be dragged to the hospital every couple of months with suspected meningitis. One word: Munchhausen's!
You may feel I am being very hard on you John, but I am above all things your friend and I love you enough to tell you this. If you want to start feeling better about yourself, do something. I know I am not the only one who has proffered this opinion, so we cannot all be wrong.
In terms of how we proceed, that is really up to you. I am in a very difficult place right now, as you know and have been feeling quite lonely. That is unsurprising as these situations can only be resolved by the individual, it's just a hard slog, as I am sure you will agree. You know that I miss you very much and would like to see much more of you - but the ridiculous uncertainty that hangs over you regarding access to P means that it is even impossible to hop on a train and meet you just for one evening! I don't want to call you if you feel you don't really want to talk to me; I don't want to stalk or harass you and I certainly don't want to send copious texts that remain unanswered.
We need to maintain some balance if this friendship is to survive and grow. But you also have to learn to put yourself first, and to stop worrying about every eventual outcome. Despite her protestations, your estranged wife is still the size of a house, works on a minimal basis and has an income in excess of most households where both partners work. It is ridiculous of you to believe, and of her to say that you have abandoned your family when you are still paying the mortgage, all the bills as well as the household expenses AND paying CSA dues - Jesus Johnny, she is better off than most!!
Think on - start thinking of yourself for once.
OK, that is the end of my diatribe. I hope you understand that these words come from a good place and because I love you, care about you and hope that you will be in my life for a very long time, John."
Invisbile Commodity
01.05.07
The invisible commodity: the one we all hanker after, profess to understand, aspire to, name in its various forms and with any degree of fortune we will experience at least once in our lives.
Love: the bond that ties us to those we care for, the human glue which sticks us all together. It cannot be bought or sold, even traded, though a thousand dating agencies perhaps have based their business on that very premise.
It has spawned a million sonnets, songs in abundance and fuelled entire industries of film, literature and tacky gifts.
It is the one emotion that we can all identify with in times of joy and sadness. It is, as I once said to you, what makes us selfish as well as selfless -you struggled with that because you had been told a thousand times that love was duty; that even if love was dead you should not leave. In fact, it is the selfish instinct that makes a father protect a child or a lover protect the muse - fear of losing what we most treasure.
So this love we feel is overwhelming and now you are gone, I wonder what to do with it. That's part of the hurt big man - how do we stop the love? Well, I guess we don't and haven't. I'd like them to measure my tears for love and tell me how much is in there.
We lost our love in you too John - this presence of love which filled our lives and brought us smiles and sunshine. You have disappeared and taken yours with you - so there is the double whammy; no love to have and too much left here to give.
The songs and sonnets tell us that better to have loved once than never at all; better to have experienced the physical manifestations of it; better to have known it through you.
In part they are right, I am sure. It's just that being without you is very painful and so I guess that why the same fonts of wisdom also tell us that love hurts. Something that you knew to your cost sweet man.
The invisible commodity: the one we all hanker after, profess to understand, aspire to, name in its various forms and with any degree of fortune we will experience at least once in our lives.
Love: the bond that ties us to those we care for, the human glue which sticks us all together. It cannot be bought or sold, even traded, though a thousand dating agencies perhaps have based their business on that very premise.
It has spawned a million sonnets, songs in abundance and fuelled entire industries of film, literature and tacky gifts.
It is the one emotion that we can all identify with in times of joy and sadness. It is, as I once said to you, what makes us selfish as well as selfless -you struggled with that because you had been told a thousand times that love was duty; that even if love was dead you should not leave. In fact, it is the selfish instinct that makes a father protect a child or a lover protect the muse - fear of losing what we most treasure.
So this love we feel is overwhelming and now you are gone, I wonder what to do with it. That's part of the hurt big man - how do we stop the love? Well, I guess we don't and haven't. I'd like them to measure my tears for love and tell me how much is in there.
We lost our love in you too John - this presence of love which filled our lives and brought us smiles and sunshine. You have disappeared and taken yours with you - so there is the double whammy; no love to have and too much left here to give.
The songs and sonnets tell us that better to have loved once than never at all; better to have experienced the physical manifestations of it; better to have known it through you.
In part they are right, I am sure. It's just that being without you is very painful and so I guess that why the same fonts of wisdom also tell us that love hurts. Something that you knew to your cost sweet man.
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