Adjustment or maladjustment

04.05.07

Depending on how you look at it, that is what we are all dealing with.

A theme in your life, without question - it is like the twins who feed off each other, some find an equilibrium whilst others get bigger to the detriment of the second one.

I am the lucky twin, literally - my brother and I were born 5 minutes apart and survived intact to support each other through life and love. We adjusted to each other.

Your whole life was actually defined by adjustment. From the moment you decided to tie your life to another, you began to adjust - continually ceding ground and adapting yourself to this person who made so many demands on you and was always willing to justify them in terms of her needs and herself.

From the outset, your needs became a secondary element in your life. You made sacrifices on every level to accommodate this person whose view on life could have been plucked from a 1950s manual on how to pin down your man: "instruct him that he is responsible for you, his role is to care for you and provide on every level, particularly material. Show weakness through feminine guile and trickery - every man loves a weak and ailing female to rescue. Make demands and create conflict with outsiders wherever possible to strengthen the bond between you - he will respond to your helplessness like a knight in shining armour. And if in doubt, resort to good old fashioned blackmail with the promise of a thrilling night of seduction if he fails to do as you wish."

In fact, John, your choice of a maladjusted person meant that you spent your entire existence on overcompensating - acting as breadwinner, confidante, counsellor, chauffeur, carer and project manager. The small amount of time you dedicated to yourself was a constant source of tension and you began to feel, particularly during the time since P was born, that your choice of partner had been erroneous; a spouse so obsessed with her own parents and siblings that she neglected her own son.

Despite her claims to the contrary, you spent an inordinate amount of time with P while she stayed in bed, sat in front of the TV or alternatively dragged P round to visit his "true family". Such was her negative take on life that you nicknamed her the "fun police" - P's aim on a Saturday morning was to escape the fun police before they vetoed the many activities you had planned for the day as too dangerous, too risky, too cold, too windy or too much fun.

In reality John, it is a very sad and simple story: you married into maladjustment and through years of conditioning it began to define you to the very point that it destroyed all your perspectives.

You over adjusted.