From Hankering to Hurt

18.05.07

That is the spectrum on which I reside at the moment - from hankering to hurt and back.

There are days when I wonder how you could have done this to us; how you could have left us behind, with just a simple note of explanation instructing us not to mourn you. Such a sad thing to say - and a ridiculous one. You, of all people, knew how much the loss of someone you loved hurt and how learning to live with the loss was not a simple readjustment, but a painful process of assimilation and grief.

We are at the beginning of a very long road. Some days are unbelievably exhausting - just getting up, getting dressed and continuing on - t seems so bloody pointless to do anything without you here to share it; it feels like cheating or betrayal to laugh and smile without you and thinking about the future, is for the first time, something that brings dread instead of excitement. There are no plans that resonate or dreams to be constructed - just those to deconstruct and pack away.

I am not sure if I will ever really accept that you are not here. Or indeed that you are at peace. I watched a brilliant documentary in which Joan Rivers, the American comedienne, talked about her own husband's suicide 18 years ago - and how she still felt hurt, anger and fury after all this time.

Her acerbic observations really hit the spot for me: "everyone tells me he is at peace - well I hope not, the bastard, because look at the torment he left us in!"
It is no good telling us that you loved us more than life when you ran out on us - and how - what price you paid!

The other point she made, brilliantly, was how everyone feels the need, if they are not in the majority of those who simply ignore you, to tell you how you will see him again in heaven; how we will be eternally reunited. So, therein lies the tacit wishing of death upon you - that's the only chance you'll get to meet again - thanks for the sentiments, well meaning but slightly skewed!
She said that she didn't want to see her husband in heaven again, because if she did, she would fucking kill him for what he did. And that is how I feel about you, John. No matter how much I love you, I think my first reaction if we should ever meet again would be to shake you so hard and scream at you for the longest longest time.

How could you leave us here hankering for you and all that we had? - and with the enormous task of rebuilding our lives without you. And the incredible spiralling pain.

Joan said that even after 18 years she is still furious - that she accepts this as part of the package of feelings you are left with when your partner makes the decision to end his life without consulting you.

And I guess that is true for me too.