Future in the Past

02.05.05

In many ways, as you stated, your marriage was not about you, but about your estranged wife and her family. And this troubled you for a long time.

You once said to me that your ex-wife had promised, that (sic) once her mother died, things would be different. The implication was that you, as a family, and indeed a couple, would move away from this ridiculous dependence and interdependence ,and that somehow, you would lead the life of an independent couple with a child. This all came too late for you, as after 17 years, you decided that enough was enough.

You could never quite work out how she needed to spend at least two hours a day on the phone to her mother and sister, when you felt this should have been time together as a family. In fact, when you broached this, you were always held to account regarding the three hours a week you spent in the gym after work. Strange indeed as your wife's desire for you to be in the marital home only ever coincided with times when she was supposedly undertaking the duties as she saw as her domain - home-making; although that didn't extend to the full gamut - rather a more condensed version; microwaving food in the morning and the evening and choosing to stay at home when any degree of exercise or effort was involved. Your role was to work, care for P and run every aspect of the home in addition to your other obligations.

When you questioned this, your spouse always called into question the needs of her own clan, citing them as "true family".

And here is the gem on her soapy operatic theory - aka her inability, at the tender age of 43, to leave behind the family ( according to the psychologists)


Individuate

The fear of taking emotional and physical responsibility for ourselves can become so overwhelming that we cannot allow ourselves to let go of our family's influence, for good or bad, whatever our age. This is particularly true if we haven't been shown how to care for ourselves emotionally, because no-one has cared for us unconditionally.

That was your real beef, John. That even though she espoused family and all its glories, she was unable to take any real responsibility for herself and her actions. You felt worn and wearied by this and often told me that you believed that you had two children to care for not one.

The theory bears that out. And when you chose to leave, the kicking and screaming hit record levels.

You knew, and mentioned frequently, that A's future was in her past, as she expended the little energy she chose to waste on assuring you that any flaws she had were attributable to her own upbringing and that once her parents had passed on things would be different.

Shocking that a middle-aged woman could justify her behaviour in this way, and shocking that you fell for it for such a long time.