Stealing the Sun

29.04.07

It is like somebody has stolen the sun without you here.

It's hard to imagine a time when we will feel the same warmth again.

I was thinking about the analogy of sunshine - and it is so fitting when we think of you; this warm and bright person who brought love and light to all those whose path crossed with his. For so many of us John, you were this central, pivotal person in our lives, who gave us love, laughter, happiness and support in abundance, yet you could not see that.

Your own judgement of yourself and your worth was totally overshadowed by the negativity engendered in you by years of misery and complaint and the continuous efforts of one person to undermine you in all that you did. I still cannot quite understand when so many of us told you of your goodness, why you always deferred to the one negative opinion of you, from a person you had left behind and whose own achievements, both personal and professional were limited to say the least.

It's even more heartbreaking now we have pieced so much of your life together and we can see how thoroughly miserable your existence was and how you just kept on without a word.

There is a great paradox when we consider how much you did for others, constantly, and how little you did for yourself. I know there are all the medical factors to consider regarding your state of mind and body when you died - let's face it if the years of emotional blackmail and infected misery around you hadn't got you, the physical malaise was about to take you sweet man, and that is the shocker for us.

I am sure you knew that you were physically unwell, you had mentioned chest pains, fatigue and bouts of indigestion to me on several occasions. In the end, we attributed them to stress - fairly logical considering the continual hounding and mind games you endured. And you, sweet and foolish man that you were, could not bring yourself to call her bluff; too afraid to cause even the remotest of hurt or pain. So again, you overlooked your own well-being in favour of the one person who had a total disregard for yours!

So special man, your sun was meant to shine bright and short - it would never have burned for a longer time however much we wanted it to.

It is true then, the adage: only the good die young. Darling, it was your destiny after all.

At least the memory of your sun still casts its shadow around us. So we carry you with us in some small way.