The Poisoned Pen

02.04.07

Today, John as you well know is your sister's birthday.

We spoke for an hour or so on the phone, and for a while we managed to talk about her day - spent with your other sister and nieces - about the fun they had and how they all managed to laugh and smile and make this a very special day for her.

And then of course we spoke of you. As we always do, because this grief is still raw, though as many predicted, now easier to slot into the day between the things that have to be done; sandwiched between our slices of normal in the day.

Amazingly, just when we think there is some respite and some movement forward, the poison begins to seep back in, even though we have all been resolute in our refusal to stoop that low and in our contention that your memory is best served with love and dignity.

Your sisters received a two-page letter from your estranged wife, returning the birthday cards and gifts they and your nieces had sent to your son for his eighth birthday. The content of the letter was erratic, argumentative, accusatory and vindictive - in which your siblings are indicted as the cause of your death for failing to care for you and of course exonerating your wife from any part she may have played in contributing to your state of mind. She refers constantly to the fact that after your separation, they never called her or enquired after her - bizarre!

In it, she outlines her intention to ensure that your siblings and nieces will never have any contact with your son, that she will continue to contact and visit the rest of your family (cousins, ageing aunts and the infirm, I presume) and that further to this, she wishes it to be made clear that P will be cared for by his "loving family". We assume this to be a reference to her own insular, inert and morbidly obese clan.

The final paragraphs of the missive allude clearly to the apportioning of blame, uphold her claims that she supported you throughout your separation, in total contradiction to the diarised and documented evidence of the obstructive tactics she employed to prevent you from seeing your son in addition to flatly denying that she made any allegations (on three separate occasions) about you in court regarding supposed drug addiction, claiming instead that your sister made them!

The final thrust of this fantasy is that, and I quote her here, her "conscience is clear".

Not only does this fly in the face of the truth of the last months of your troubled existence, but it is without doubt a cruel and spiteful act.

The obvious question it raises is why anyone, after such a huge loss and tragedy would deny their 8 year-old son his birthday cards and gifts in a bid to continue the battle she waged with you. And why or how could she even think that this is appropriate, fitting or necessary. Those of us that lost you and loved you can only think of supporting each other through this time and working through the grief we feel. We are thankful for the gestures made to us by each and every person that knew you and shares in this loss.

To add insult to injury, she plies the merry widow story to all those who will listen, peripheral to the situation, extracting sympathy and platitudes.

How anyone who has been touched by your death could feel the need to make a reference alleviating themselves of any blame or guilt is beyond me. Psychiatrists call this transference or projection, when an individual projects their own fears and feelings of guilt on to another in close proximity.

Believe me John, those of us that held you dear question ourselves every day as to whether or not we could have done more to help you or if indeed there was something we said or didn't say that could have changed things and prevented your death.

Rest assured we anticipate that more of this psychotic behaviour will follow, of that we are certain. But we are prepared and we will act. Unlike you, we have the luxury of being disassociated from her, we have no emotional ties to her and more importantly she does not have the control over any of us that she exercised over you. Neither are we so gullible that we believe the contorted fantasies of her overactive and highly predictable imagination.

What she fails to understand, is that we have much more information at our disposal than she realises and a whole lot more courage and fortitude than she gives us credit for.

We are not you. We are still here. And we will fight for you.