Today I Hate You

04.04.07

Today, sweet John, I hate you.

This has been the hardest day of all since you died - apart perhaps from the day of your cremation ,when I honestly thought I would not make it.

Today I hate you because I have been thinking about you all day long, and how you left us, and why, and what the fuck we are supposed to do now? No apologies for the invective by the way, plenty more where that came from.

Today I hate you because everything seems just as impossible and implausible as the day that you died. Nothing seems any easier, apart from the functional day-to-day routine which keeps us going and reminds us we are still here.

Today I hate you because you didn't leave any answers to the questions we have; you didn't give us any signs of your intention, you didn't give us a chance to help you; you didn't give us a chance, full stop.

Today I hate you because you left us the fallout of the disorder and disaster that was a part of your life - your unfinished marriage business with your estranged wife.
You left us the mess of 20 years' standing that was still unresolved and we have to try and deal with it - you know how impossible that is as you, in your infinite wisdom, decided to kill yourself rather than face it any longer. Imagine, if you had at least a legal and direct connection to your son, and how ridiculously difficult she made it for you; how impossible it is for your sisters.

She has written in her two-page diatribe that she sent, a detailed indication of how she intends to cease all contact between your son and your sisters, but intends to keep parading him round your ageing and infirm relatives, asserting that they are "John's family" - obviously not very schooled in the basics of genetics as the inference here is that your sisters are not family.

She is FUCKING BARKING MAD - and you married it ,you idiot, and stayed with it for 17 years.
I hate you for that, because now we have to deal with the sinsiter and psychotic 22-stone she-devil who thinks that life is a soap-opera in which one passes on the abuse suffered at the hands of her own "loving family" (wasn't grandad loving?) to her husband and son.

I hate you because, with every day that passes, we figure out more details of your doomed and dark existence with her: - given all that you did tell me, and all that you failed to mention, it is now becoming clear that there was a level of physical violence in your marriage too.
I know that she attacked you several times after you had separated and you returned to visit P - a couple of times she tried to prevent you from physically leaving the house, blocking your path and then literally launching herself at you and hanging on to you, the other incidences saw the initial violence turn to some kind of pseudo seduction - revolting. Such was the madness of her behaviour that your son once told his classmates that "Mummy licks the floor when she argues with Daddy"; a reference to her dramatic bent for launching herself to the ground in fits of apoplectic tragedy whenever you tried to discuss your perspective on the marriage; i.e. your frequent attempts to initiate separation.

I hate you because you didn't really deal with that for so long and eventually, when you tried to unravel it all, it began to unravel you. Your own collusion with that behaviour in covering it up means that people still, despite their misgivings about her, are loath to make that judgement, because as you said to me on many occasions, you kept it hidden and never told a soul. By not acting on it, you gave the perpetrator credence - something you always said, once she had an idea in her head, she would then be convinced of its voracity, regardless of how ridiculous or far-fetched it was, and then it was the responsibility of others to discredit it o simply accept it. You always chose the latter.

I hate you for that because those that loved you cannot fathom why you wouldn't go to them and talk about it - and they did have an awareness of how controlled you were because you never relaxed if she was with you and you were constantly under pressure to call her, return to where she was or pander to the latest whim delivered telephonically.

I hate you because you have left us here without any real understanding on your part of how much you meant to us and how difficult it would be for us to come to terms with your death, and more importantly how much we would miss you.
I hate you because you cheated on me with death and I didn't see it coming. I hate you because you lied to me - you made promises about the future that you didn't intend to keep. I hate you because I know already I will never ever get over this and I am not sure how I can move forward from this without you.

I hate you because I love you very very much and you chose death over a life filled with that love.