The Sweet Used to Be

06.04.07

The Sweet Used to Be - great line that one from a Dolly Parton song. Anyway, she got it right. That is what I think about a lot, the sweet-used-to be which is no longer.

It is hard every single day to be without you and what is even harder is to accept that we will never see you again - never mind the countless other things we miss, from the simple to the complicated, from the funny to the sad, from the great to the good. There is no more of any of that.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in time and space. I cannot move forward and I cannot move backwards. I have altered my perception of the world and its limitations. I have witnessed what the loss of life can do to those you leave behind. I am walking proof that we do survive, even if we think we cannot.

I have stooped looking to the future and started surveying every moment of my past; the one thing I told you never to do!

It was hard enough for you to adapt to the new life you had created after your separation, so I suggested that you didn't dwell on the mistakes of your past - namely the very big one of your marriage to a hypocondriachal sociopath - and that you focus instead on the new relationship you would eventually establish with your son and the future you would have with him. Evidently, that was not something that filled you will joy or happiness, or maybe it was simply impossible for you to see that - because you surrendered yourself instead of continuing on.

And here I am in the same boat. I cannot find the purpose of all this. I don't understand how somebody so good can be sacrificed to the detriment of others. And I sure as hell do not understand how somebody so fatally flawed can continue to infect others with her misery. I always suspected that was her raison d’être, and it would appear that I am right. In a way, I am glad that she wrote such a heinous letter to your sisters, because now, at last, we have some documented proof of how undeniably wicked and nasty she is.

There are still the detractors though.

She called your best friend's wife on the morning of your funeral mass, not to share condolences and sympathy, but to start the charade she continues to perpetrate. She told her that she had every intention of letting your sisters see your son and couldn't understand why anyone would think she might so otherwise. Interesting strategy.

The recipient of the call, was, by your own admission to me, your ex-wife's most reviled enemy. She had recounted to you on numerous occasions with her usual odious fervour how much she detested her - too full of herself and jumped up beyond belief; always talking about her achievements and how much money she had - and your ex-wife despised her for having ideas above her station. And yet she is the one she calls! This is completely in line with her usual behaviour - she only ever liked those who were in some way inferior to her and always chose the weak and vulnerable. What better way to spread the story than by calling the person who least likes you or knows that you don't hold them in high regard? Cunning indeed.

So now this same woman, your best mate's wife, is defending her to all who will listen. So even when people begin to hear about the nasty letter, she will be defending her corner - putting it down to grief, no doubt, and will totally miss the point that your ex-wife's actions contradict the promise she iterated earlier. That's how she always used to play it with you. If she couldn't get what she wanted, she would lay the groundwork by involving members of her family, who would then verbally harass you until you ceded.

With this then, we get a sense of the relentless attrition and abuse you suffered on a daily basis - you kept it all to yourself, so we had a very limited understanding of what you had to endure..

No surprises as to why you killed yourself. Just bloody awful that you did.