Oh for the jargonistic speak of the boardroom!
You and I often laughed at how jargonistic our world had become. I particularly remember your references to being an "awesome time locker" when you managed to sneak an email to me during your work day!
So, I thought I would talk about how you have become our benchmark.
A benchmark is that which we measure things by, something to compare to, any standard or reference by which others can be gauged or judged.
You were most certainly my benchmark, great man, in so many ways. From this point in time, I can attest, albeit on a subconscious level, you have become my invisible tape-measure of humanity; the thermometer of goodness.
In the aftermath of your death, I spent a lot of time with my twin brother and it was he who proffered this suggestion to me. I can remember talking to him about how absolutely wonderful you were and how a great part of my sadness was linked to the fact that I simply could not ever imagine knowing another person like you; that I felt cheated that you had been taken from us - just when I had come to see that it is possible to meet somebody who makes you laugh, supports you, listens to you, converses with you and can still love you despite the many flaws you may exhibit. And then you were gone.
My brother, J, then pointed out that of all the many legacies you left us, then mine should surely be that of the human benchmark. And he is right.
As with all good measures, there must be a list of descriptors to help us in any future assessments, so here goes!
Generosity - from the tiniest to the greatest of gestures. You once got up at five am on a Sunday morning to drive your housemate, whom you only knew in passing, to his work because you discovered his car had broken down and there were no buses running.
Goodness on a grand scale. Through your work especially, you worked tirelessly in the local community, sitting on countless boards and committees which worked towards improving the lot of the marginalised and deprived as well as people further up the social and community ladder. You espoused and committed yourself to the views passed on to you by your father, Billy, who taught you that every person is equal. This was a thread that ran through your life and you demonstrated it.
Capacity for Fun - always laughing, joking, recounting stories and anecdotes; always proud and impressed at other people's achievements; always keen to share good news stories about the people that you knew. Quite amazing really as you spent 17 years of your life with one of the most miserable individuals to ever have set foot on the planet - whose life was one continuous moaning drone; yet outwardly, you continued to laugh and make others laugh, especially with your dubious impersonations and fantastically energetic dance routines.
Liberalism / Impartiality - For me, this is by far the greatest quality you possess. Clearly linked to the values passed on to you by your parents, you had the greatest take on others and their opinions. You were never dismissive, always enquiring and always accepting of other's right to opine. You talked, discussed, negotiated and always helped others move towards agreement without ever letting them feel they had been coerced or indeed compromised in any way.
This was born out of your own capacity to ponder and consider every aspect of a situation before you gave any opinion. I am not sure how much other people saw this in you, but I witnessed it at close range, particularly in your dealings with your ex-wife who really put you through the wringer in every conceivable way - and still you wanted to be reasonable, give her the benefit of the doubt. Quite incredible John. Sadly, when you were married, your attempts to negotiate and compromise were met with stubbornness and intransigence, which you mistook for strength, silly man. You once told me that every aspect of your married life began to feel as though it were a boxing match to be scored on points; whatever suggestion your proffered was always met with definitive "no" regardless of its validity and worth and the ensuing days or weeks would be spent in blind negotiation, only for the end result to be the same: you always acquiesced. So that you know, John, I recognised and loved this quality in you - never ceased to amaze me at how reasoned, reasonable and open to reasoning you were.
Selflessness - as I continue with these descriptors, I see that all these qualities are linked and interlinked - the theme is similar for all of them. You were just a good egg, Johny boy, and that is why it is so hard for us to be without you. There are countless examples of this. Let's see - driving a clapped out old car for years so that your ex-wife could have the brand new car she insisted she needed, though you couldn't afford it. Working seven days a week to pay for it and caring for your new-born son during the night. Caring for your son at weekends, so your wife could stay in bed til after noon. Shopping for your wife's family, because, surprise, surprise, they were also incapacitated. Taking your wife's brother in when he left his wife and supporting him through his marital breakdown without passing judgement. Willingly taking a sperm count test when your 22-stone wife's family insisted that her supposed infertility must be down to you - not the taking of it, simply the fact that you agreed without complaint. These come to mind more than the many others because what is clear to me is that you were treated appallingly in your marriage, and yet still you were able to be kind and generous when most would have simply left long ago.
Affectionate beyond measure and without pre-conditions - this may come as a surprise to some who knew you, but it should be documented that the benchmark here is high. You showered me with love and kisses every day that I spent with you in person and when we weren't together, you articulated your feelings in the most open and direct of ways. You were never shy in discussing your levels of affection and strength of feeling which ranged from the downright bawdy to the tenderest of tender; from the banal to the most intimate and back.
This can serve us all, then not only as the benchmark of our own present and future relationships, but also as the measure of ourselves and how we fare on the John-ometer of decency.
As Mr MacGowan so eloquently put it, John, "you are the measure of my dreams".
No comments:
Post a Comment