Ten Per Cent

27.03.07

Ten per cent equals one tenth of anything.

So I have been thinking about C S Lewis' assertion that nine tenths of what is worth living for comes from the affection - or love I guess, that we feel or perceive.

To follow that to its logical conclusion then we can only surmise that even with all the love and affection we proffered you, and in large measure you took and assimilated, that the other ten per cent of your life, which was not filled with affection, is the part that carried the greatest weight for you, literally.

All the arguing and frustration you endured trying to gain access to your son took on a greater value than all the love and affirmations of our love for you; and they were and are many.
I cannot think of a day during the last 16 months of your life when it was not articulated or demonstrated to you by the three women you were closest to - and doubtless the many more people around you that had some notion of your hapless plight.

Our endeavours to shore you up, John, were genuine and heartfelt. And I guess what makes me saddest in my analysis of all this is that the one thing that infected you, that single tenth of negative emotion, is the same thing that pushed you right to the end.
And now we see, and you should know that the infected poisonous sentiment was not born out of love, but bitterness at your having left and closed that chapter of your life.

I understand that you felt hopeless about it, but I am still struggling with why you could leave us all behind, and more importantly how you could leave your son behind in the clutches of that same purveyor of noxious notion and emotion.

Still she calls, still she visits the old and infirm to try and assess the fallout, still she asks how much money you left your "widow".

We don't ask any of those questions John, because ultimately, we are without you now.

We are minus you one hundred per cent.

We cannot put a price on that.