I have been back there John, to look for you and read through all the messages we sent each other when you were here with us.
In case you cannot recall, read this, a small excerpt from a message I sent you last year – May 25th 2006, to be precise.
“Please believe me when I say that this whole adventure; relationship is a source of constant revelation to me. Don't be so self-effacing that you tell me you have little or nothing to offer me: you cannot imagine how much you give me - you are kind, considerate, funny - despite all the storms you are facing at the moment, sweet, interesting, intelligent, caring, slightly irreverent, dynamite , self-effacing, patient, non-judgmental, open-minded, expansive and basically a really decent individual. So please don't tell me that you are not sure of what you have to offer me, because I can see for myself thank you!!”
I wonder how far you removed yourself from that sentiment John – I guess you closed yourself right down and focused exclusively on what you felt was impossible to resolve – and so it outweighed the immense levels of love and respect that we have for you. Any future you had contemplated receded when you considered the relentless pressure you would always be under regarding your son. I don’t think you thought for one moment that we didn’t love you, but it’s like you said in your note, you didn’t feel worthy of this world nor indeed our feelings for you.
As I have iterated at least a hundred times since your death – the burden of your past outweighed the future that you saw. And how sorry I am for that. For all of us – but mainly I am sorry for you and your son because it has separated you permanently.
In case you cannot recall, read this, a small excerpt from a message I sent you last year – May 25th 2006, to be precise.
“Please believe me when I say that this whole adventure; relationship is a source of constant revelation to me. Don't be so self-effacing that you tell me you have little or nothing to offer me: you cannot imagine how much you give me - you are kind, considerate, funny - despite all the storms you are facing at the moment, sweet, interesting, intelligent, caring, slightly irreverent, dynamite , self-effacing, patient, non-judgmental, open-minded, expansive and basically a really decent individual. So please don't tell me that you are not sure of what you have to offer me, because I can see for myself thank you!!”
I wonder how far you removed yourself from that sentiment John – I guess you closed yourself right down and focused exclusively on what you felt was impossible to resolve – and so it outweighed the immense levels of love and respect that we have for you. Any future you had contemplated receded when you considered the relentless pressure you would always be under regarding your son. I don’t think you thought for one moment that we didn’t love you, but it’s like you said in your note, you didn’t feel worthy of this world nor indeed our feelings for you.
As I have iterated at least a hundred times since your death – the burden of your past outweighed the future that you saw. And how sorry I am for that. For all of us – but mainly I am sorry for you and your son because it has separated you permanently.
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