It’s just over two weeks since you died, but somehow it seems like a lifetime.
Time is a very elastic concept at the moment. It has no real meaning for me – which is a great paradox as you and I marked everything by time, to quote Billy Bragg, wishing the days away until we next saw each other, and then cursing the fact that time passed so quickly when we were together.
I am finding it a real comfort to write when I can’t stop thinking about you and I feel so overwhelmed. Mornings are the worst because I wake up and almost come to - find my level of consciousness again and realise that this waking nightmare is continuing. Can’t do a Dallas on this one and walk into the shower to find that you are really alive and this has all been some kind of hallucination. Not a chance.
I am finding it a real comfort to write when I can’t stop thinking about you and I feel so overwhelmed. Mornings are the worst because I wake up and almost come to - find my level of consciousness again and realise that this waking nightmare is continuing. Can’t do a Dallas on this one and walk into the shower to find that you are really alive and this has all been some kind of hallucination. Not a chance.
I am sleeping with the light on. I don’t know why. I guess the happiest times spent alone in this room in the dark were with you; enfolded in you with my head against your chest, blissfully happy and aware that my greatest blessing was to be with you – even if we couldn’t be together all the time. Those weekends and nights together are very precious to me John. We always laughed a lot and kissed a lot. It was impossible for us to sit apart from each other for too long – I always felt this overwhelming desire to kiss you and entwine myself with you. You had an amazing depth of emotion and shared your feelings with me. Our physical connection was astounding and each time we were together, it felt as we were getting closer and closer. I never believed I could feel so happy and complete with a person – and to quote those lovely Proclaimers boys: “then I met you”.
So I am struggling with this feeling of being without you. I cannot fathom how you could give all this up. You told me that I was the love of your life. And I knew you were the love of mine. So how does it work that you took yourself away from all that? Why would you leave it behind?
So I am struggling with this feeling of being without you. I cannot fathom how you could give all this up. You told me that I was the love of your life. And I knew you were the love of mine. So how does it work that you took yourself away from all that? Why would you leave it behind?
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