We have survived you. We are therefore survivors. You succumbed.
If, as the Freudian theory tells us that life is a struggle between the conscious and the ego – the fight between doing right for others and doing right for ourselves, I wonder where that puts you.
Your ego certainly did not dominate you John – we can all attest to that; selfless as opposed to selfish. There are a thousand examples of your generosity which we can call to mind with ease.
So, your conscience must have been the prevailing force in your life before you chose to end it. I know you were struggling to understand how you could ever be close to P again. Impossible. Every time you though you had made a small step forward, you hit another obstructive action on the part of A that pulled you back down. I see now that the past two months or so simply were a long period of reflection for you, during which you formulated your escape plan.
Apparently, once you have decided to commit suicide, a great peace comes over you, because there is a feeling of regaining control. And so you must have felt that. I am sure.
I am packed and ready to go. I have spent most of today thinking about you and collecting together the things I want to take with me when I see you in Liverpool. It is like the last date for us isn’t it? I have chosen your favourite black dress, those lovely shiny boots from Hobbs – the ones with the elastic on the side which makes it almost impossible to take them off when I am drunk; you always helped me though – between fits of laughter! And the really simple silver earrings which you always commented on: silver baubles suspended on a silver wire. I am wearing the lovely big fat gold ring that you liked too. Remember, we said you were too poor to buy a ring for me, so I would wear the big fat dress ring that looked like a diamond but of course it isn’t. I am wearing it because it reminds me that we had promised to make it together, and even if you can’t be here now, I want to remember that.
T is coming to collect me in a few minutes, so I will sign off for now. I’ll see you tonight in Liverpool. Come to me and let me know you are there if you can. I love you sweet man and I am coming home to see you.
If, as the Freudian theory tells us that life is a struggle between the conscious and the ego – the fight between doing right for others and doing right for ourselves, I wonder where that puts you.
Your ego certainly did not dominate you John – we can all attest to that; selfless as opposed to selfish. There are a thousand examples of your generosity which we can call to mind with ease.
So, your conscience must have been the prevailing force in your life before you chose to end it. I know you were struggling to understand how you could ever be close to P again. Impossible. Every time you though you had made a small step forward, you hit another obstructive action on the part of A that pulled you back down. I see now that the past two months or so simply were a long period of reflection for you, during which you formulated your escape plan.
Apparently, once you have decided to commit suicide, a great peace comes over you, because there is a feeling of regaining control. And so you must have felt that. I am sure.
I am packed and ready to go. I have spent most of today thinking about you and collecting together the things I want to take with me when I see you in Liverpool. It is like the last date for us isn’t it? I have chosen your favourite black dress, those lovely shiny boots from Hobbs – the ones with the elastic on the side which makes it almost impossible to take them off when I am drunk; you always helped me though – between fits of laughter! And the really simple silver earrings which you always commented on: silver baubles suspended on a silver wire. I am wearing the lovely big fat gold ring that you liked too. Remember, we said you were too poor to buy a ring for me, so I would wear the big fat dress ring that looked like a diamond but of course it isn’t. I am wearing it because it reminds me that we had promised to make it together, and even if you can’t be here now, I want to remember that.
T is coming to collect me in a few minutes, so I will sign off for now. I’ll see you tonight in Liverpool. Come to me and let me know you are there if you can. I love you sweet man and I am coming home to see you.
No comments:
Post a Comment