The unspoken term. Nobody broaches it. Nobody wants to talk about it. You are dead; that is all we are really permitted to discuss in this polite society.
Religions demonise it, quite literally; the good thing is that would just make you smile even more as your own concept of religious dogma and doctrine was limited to say the least. Paradoxical to say the least as it plagued you throughout your life and shaped so much of your life - by proxy and in your relationships with third parties.
Your sense of liberalism meant that you were accepting of other people's dogmatic diatribes even though you found them to have little or no relevance. So accepting were you of other people's right to opine that you accepted major choices from them which would influence every aspect of your life - your son's own religion, his supposed guided dedication and commitment to it. Ironically, you showed yourself to be much more Christian in your acceptance of an imposed view than the so-called Roman Apostolic that hounded you into submission of every single mis-informed and religiously upheld narrow viewpoint: therein lies the paradox of that religious zeal - the desire to overrule and impose when the real crux of religion is about tolerance, acceptance and turning the other cheek. To use one of your favourite expressions: you was stiffed son!
And ultimately we come to the last taboo - the manner in which you died. It is in effect a self death that you incurred. Your choice, however misguided we may feel it is. We should, then, should we not follow your lead, adopt a liberal attitude and be accepting of what you chose as your future - or your non-future.
Seventeen years of attrition, unrelenting dogma and misery finally wore you down. In some way, the choice you made to look for the happiness which you deserved and had so eluded you was too great for you. You felt that you were not worthy of the happiness you felt - so opposed to what you had experienced for so long. So used to giving to and doing for others without complaint that when you finally did move away, make a break, the continuous hounding and voice of unreason convinced you that you had failed her and them in some way. Even then, you couldn't be mean; you still supported, reasoned, tried to do the right thing. And the harder you tried, the worse it got.
Smear campaigns, lies, documented untruths in a court of law and allegations, abusive declarations, insults, self-pity underpinned by self -loathing - all attributed to you of course. A very heavy burden to carry and your shoulders were certainly not made to carry that cross. And when that didn't work, just good old-fashioned blackmail.
In some way, we should recognise that while this treatment was unfair - and ironically persists even after your death with your estranged wife declaring herself a widow to all those who will listen and hell bent on indicating that she knew every detail of the last 16 months of your life - even though you were separated and living completely separate lives - on the point of divorce, served by her and hell bent on finally destroying you; even asking for your mother's inheritance as part of a final settlement; this is also the result of a choice you made initially and then the subsequent desire to undo that.
You had, for the record endured several attempts at separation - all to no avail. Invented pregnancies and miscarriages abounded - two to be precise; the emotional pull of a sick and dying parent and the inevitable declaration of keeping the family together. And if in doubt a quick manifestation of the basest of sexual rituals to remind you of what you might be missing when you tired to leave. Not that it would be much as you later confided - because even that had been a source of unhappiness, lack of fulfillment and emotional blackmail during those very restricted and restrictive 17 years.
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